Column: Seems I won’t be president after all

by |
04/12/2012 5:00 AM |

Hey, guys, what’s up?

Yeah, good to see you too, expect for Sammy-Boy over there. Weren’t you supposed to come over and check out that leaky bathroom window, oh, when “All in the Family” was still on the air?

What am I doing here? Three words: “American Idol” night.

I will indeed have a beverage, my good man, Captain and Coke, with lime. What? No, I didn’t bring a note from my mom. Yeah, that’s real funny. You’ve been hanging out with these jokers far too long. No, I didn’t give up Shirley Temples for Lent. And by the way, Lent’s over, jerky.

My presidential campaign? Um, yeah, I did indeed launch it in this public house last year. Why have I parked by my … self on this stool? Well, let’s say the groundswell of grass roots support didn’t quite materialize. I take some comfort, though, in knowing I’m still ahead of Newt Gingrich.

Hey, didja hear? Santorum is out. I mean he finally realized it’s over. Right you are, it’s been over long since. In his case I guess it’s like when you really slam your toe into something and it takes a while for your brain to register the pain.

No, I don’t have a fat campaign treasury to move to a numbered Swiss account. What I got wouldn’t fill my truck’s gas tank, although a buddy of mine did offer unlimited access to his snowblower this winter, so that’s something.

That’s it, gents. Your’s truly will be following campaign 2012 on the sidelines, just like you losers. And truth to tell, I’m already bored to tears.

I mean, what’s the hot issue? Everything and nothing.

Obamacare? Those who like the prez think it’s great and those who hate him hate it. The Supreme Court is sooooo going to kill it and everybody in D.C. knows it. What’s the political fallout? Nada. Zilch. A big, fat nuthin’. Those who like the guy will see him as victimized by a conservative court and the other side will congratulate themselves for blocking his signature legislative accomplishment.

You remember I wasn’t a big fan of that bill. But I still think insurance companies are run by evil bas… I mean, guys and whoever voted in Albany to allow Blue Cross to become a for-profit enterprise should be shot at sunrise. Or given Mets season tickets. OK, yes, that second option could be considered cruel and usual punishment.

Anyway, it wouldn’t be the end of the world to dump the thing back on Capitol Hill with the message “This time you better get it right, you sons of … guys.”

And what does Joe Sixpack think? Who knows? I don’t hear people talkin’ about it. They’ve got other fish to fry. Like Sammy-Boy over there, busy avoiding me in his Met’s cap.

Hey, what’s deal with these peanuts? Fresh? Yeah, I don’t think so. Were these left over from George Washington Carver’s experiments? That’s Carver, not Carter, you moron. Although as you may recall Jimmy Carter did grow peanuts. And I bet if I found any of his on the storeroom floor they’d still taste better than these.

Yo, does this establishment have something against Chex-Mix or Goldfish?

Huh? What’s my prediction for this year? Well, aside from Santana, the Mets don’t have a … Oh, the election. You just can’t get away from that, can you?

OK, write this down. Here’s what’s gonna happen, as predicted by your beloved Uncle Tim. Yes, dammit, I know I’m not your real uncle, but just humor me, will ya?

The president is gonna get re-elected. No, no, I’m not out of my flipping mind and, no, I don’t work for al-Qaeda or Fidel Castro.
Sorry, I just calls ’em as I sees ’em. But if the president had been on the ballot two years ago — during the height of the tea party thing, remember? — he’d now be on the faculty of the Harvard Kennedy School of Government. I just don’t detect the same level of anti-Obama animosity this time around.

And you gotta admit, Romney hasn’t exactly been Mr. Excitement.

Ah, but you know what else is gonna happen? The GOP will keep the House and gain control of the Senate, which will bring us fully into the time-tested tradition of Washington gridlock. Anyway, what president has ever done anything earth-shattering during a second term?

Forget the red state-blue state map, you heard it here first. What? Uh, yeah, I did pick the Yankees to go all the way last year.
Yes, Sammy, they got their butts kicked in the first round of the playoffs. But, uh, that’s the exception that proves the rule.

But let’s not argue so early into the season. Here, help yourself to the peanuts. They’re really great.

tkelly@timesreview.com