Announcing my candidacy for U.S. president

Hi, can you guys hear me OK? Yes? OK, good.
Thank you all for coming, I mean the four of you here at The Blarney Stone. My name is Tim Kelly, and I’m announcing my candidacy for president of the United States.
No, I’m not joking, I’m serious. The way I look at it, I meet the constitutional requirements, so why not me? No, no party. Just me.
What? No, I haven’t. Not one drop.
So, where does it say a presidential candidate has to be a senator or governor? Why can’t a regular guy run? OK, I don’t have a political base or gobs of money, but those things don’t seem to mean much now.
Anyway, here are some of my priorities for the first Kelly Administration:
Health care: We get rid of private insurance companies right off the bat. Why should some investor in Milwaukee or Massapequa take a big fat bite out of my health insurance premiums paid to a company whose employees stay up nights thinking of ways to deny me coverage? To use the vernacular, that ain’t right.
As to the big health care reform passed by Congress, I’d call a time-out. Yes, no one should go without medical care for financial reasons. That’s a given. But the problem with the “reform” legislation Congress passed is that no one seems to know what the blazes it does. Ever hear of the “law of unintended consequences?”
Repeal it? No. I plan to call a joint session of Congress and make them sit there while they read the damn thing, every last word. I’d like to lock ’em in without food or bathroom breaks until they figure out what’s good and what isn’t and what people can expect, but the Supreme Court might take a dim view of that. And don’t think you Republicans can just sit there and say no, again. If you don’t like a provision, come up with an alternative or you’ll be sitting there until St. Patrick’s Day.
Speaking of which, I intend to name myself the ambassador to Ireland. I don’t have any plans for the other ambassadorships, with one exception. I’m choosing my sister Eileen to represent our interests in Uzbekistan. Remember locking me out the back door in my underwear in February when I was 9? Yeah, who’s laughing now?
OK, a quick word on smoking. Tobacco sales cease in 10 years. You guys in the industry have a decade to find something else to do, and governments at all levels will have to stop balancing your books on the back of nicotine addicts. I wish Ma Kelly was still with us. She’d take a wooden spoon to the lot of ya. Trust me.
Federal deficits: The national debt is like a wayward foster child: it has two parents with neither taking responsibility. Both major parties blast each other for profligate spending, but given the opportunity, each party throws money around like a college freshman with his parents’ credit card. Enough, already. You guys bring me a blueprint for a balanced budget — yes, I know it won’t happen overnight — or so help me, you’ll wish you stayed in the state Legislature or wherever you came from. How’d y’all like to be audited, huh?
Climate change: Sure, something’s going on but I’ll be damned if I know how to fix it. Washington seems quite happy to continue our national addiction to oil and unless that changes, nothing else will. Call me a cynic, but I can’t help but wonder how driving a hybrid will help when China and India are burning coal like there’s no tomorrow.
As to a running mate, I’m open to suggestions. I was thinking of Derek Jeter since he’s well-known and loaded; then again, he’s always busy in the fall. Hey, I could ask any of the New York Mets since they never have anything going on in October.
Hello, is this thing on?
Anyway, I can’t emphasize enough the importance of the support of everyday folk like you if this grassroots effort is to have any chance. I need people to be excited that an average Joe is ready to carry their hopes and dreams, their concerns and causes to the White House.
OK, now I’ll take some questions. Yes, you in the “I’m not as think as you drunk I am” shirt.
What? It’s, uh, about 7:30.
Yes, you sir. No, the gentleman with the Marilyn Monroe tattoo.
Well, I really can’t say for certain, but I’m pretty sure the hot wings are not free.
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